Day Twenty

Rapid City, SD to Madison, WI
Miles: 773
Pass: Sioux Falls, Crosse
Visit: Wall Drug, Badlands National Park, Mitchell Corn Palace
Date: 05/31/2008

Today, I feel as though there is a little man living inside my head. His name is Chud and he is a miner. I generally don't mind him rooting around my head, but today he has begun digging. I can feel his jackhammer pounding against the interior walls of my skull and it is driving me crazy! I don't know what he is after, but I hope he gets it soon!

Driving throughout South Dakota showed me a type of boredom I have never experienced before. Perhaps the epic grassy plans or the reflective concrete roads sucked all the juices out of me or the beer I drank last night has simply left me dehydrated. I can't say I’ve gotten used to the endless driving, in fact I have begun to hate it more. Luckily today is our last day of 10+ hour drives.

Last night was my last hurrah. Ever since Amarillo, TX I have been very apprehensive about drinking alcohol. However I decided to finally kick up my heels and have fun. The night began down in the hotel bar with Kara, Mary and I. Soon Dr. Laythe a handful of our trip members were down commiserating as well.

Everyone was having a great time and for once I actually felt as though I were a part of the group. Negativity and bad feelings went out the window this night and everyone was simply happy to be around each other. Dr. Laythe was in such a good mood that he challenged us to lead a verse of “Minnie the Moocher” by Cab Callaway to the drunken audience. Jokingly he offered automatic A’s if we completed his challenge.

After about 30 minutes of scrambling and coaxing bar goers to sing along, the idea fizzled out. I’m not sure if it was sheer embarrassment that extinguished our efforts, or just our blood alcohol contents. Either way, we did not receive automatic A’s. However the night was still a barrel of fun and I made it out alive.

Hidy hidy hidy hi. (Hidy hidy hidy hi. )
Hody hody hody ho. (Hody hody hody ho.)

We are on our way to god I don't know. I think we are aiming to Madison, Wisconsin, but if we make it there I will be very suppressed. I don't doubt the abilities of our drivers or our crew, but we are all at each other’s throats. I can't say Carrie and I are on good terms yet, but we have developed a silent understanding. She leaves me alone and I leave her alone.

Understand, I’m not a bitter person, nor do I like holding grudges. However with Carrie, I simply do not want to put up with her immaturity and phobias anymore. I know she doesn’t like me very much right now, but if we don't talk for the remainder of this trip I won't be upset.

Our first stop along the barren South Dakota grasslands was a small town know as Wall. The reason the town is named wall is because of its location on the "wall' or outermost border of the badlands. We pulled into the "Wall Drug" tourist trap/gift shop at 8:05am. The reason I say tourist trap, is because the place had no relevance other than it sold stuffed jackalopes and other assorted nick-naks.

I hate places like this. "No thanks I don't want a South Dakota spoon, nor do I want genuine cowboy chocolate:" places like Wall Drug are only is business because of the gimmicks they sell. These stops have no personality and exemplify American consumerism and capitalism. I'd rather experience the small shops and markets of the towns and cities than go to a tourist mall out in the badlands.

Perhaps I am not giving Wall Drug a chance... I mean the place was pretty cool, but I doubt it will be making my top ten moments after this trip has ended. Back on the road we drove and drove. Eventually we stopped for lunch around noon at some middle of nowhere rest area. This place was truly barren. South Dakota is a very beautiful area, but there is just nothing around! At this stop I finally gave my presentation on The Big Rock Candy Mountain by Wallace Stegner. I can’t say that I was completely comfortable or that I gave a great presentation. I could have studied the book more and I could have outlined my presentation better. However I did gave a fairly good report.

I really enjoyed this book and I can understand why Dr. Laythe enjoys Stegner’s work. Stegner is analytical, historical, and he realistic. Wallace Stegner puts his entire soul into his writing and often becomes autobiographical. Dr. Laythe, like Stegner has also endured many hardships growing up. Dr Laythe has even expressed that this novel aligns very closely with his life.

After our lunch we packed into our cramped vans a left for Wisconsin. We still had many hours of travel time ahead and I was beginning to feel sick. I’m beginning to think that any sickness I have had on this trip is due to my “road diet.” This diet consists of: pretzels, granola bars, vitamin water, and junk food for dinner. Though I could be eating far worse foods, I am beginning to feel a tire form round my waist and I am freaking out.

Badlands outside of Wall Drug, we passed through the Badlands National Park. The park though open and typical of South Dakota, offered incredible geological formations. Originally a dried out lake bed, tectonic plate movement and the forces of erosion, created the deep cavers and ridges that run throughout the badlands. The area is also very dry and inhospitable to humans, thus giving it the name “Badlands.”

Our final stop for the day and the entire trip was the Mitchell Corn Palace! That’s right the corn palace! Okay so maybe it’s not very well known, but it is a corny place! Har, har, har. Oh god… I’ll keep this brief. The corn Palace is a building covered in ears of corn that resemble different things. The theme for this year was “everyday heroes.” Despite the hokey corn artwork, the place had little to offer other than gift shops! Again, we were at another tourist trap! Arg… I am so sick of tourist traps.

All right, so we go back on the road sometime between 2:00pm and 9:21pm and made it to Minnesota sometime between 3:30am and 5:23pm. Okay, so I lost track of time, but you would too if you were driving in a van for over 15 hours!

Afterthoughts:

Its late man... I mean its really freaking late, Driving through Minnesota was like someone extinguished the suns fires and hid the moon. The sky was ominous and hanging over our caravan the way death stalks an elderly man. Every so often the winds would smack against the side of our vehicles and force our struggling tires to group the road surface.

Its the time of night were your eye balls begin to dry out and your hands start to shake. Your mind cannot focus on anything other than simple tasks and it feels as though your head is locked inside a vice. Thank god for coffee, I doubt I would have made it through this dreadful drive with out it.

Tomorrow at this time I will be home. I will have crossed the Mississippi one final time and I will lay my feet on familiar ground once again. I miss home and I will miss the west. However my time is up and my bags are packed. It is time to go home.

"They say seeing is believing, so I left myself to travel. I soon became experienced and my soul turned into gravel. I turned every stone and opened every door, like before. The sun was hardly shining it was 6 am or nearer.” –The Guess Who

After, Afterthoughts:

I'm just like everyone else, I hurt and I feel. I’m self-conscious and I don’t think much of myself. I realized how similar we all are after my experience at the hotel bar last night. I have developed bonds on this trip that are going to be hard to break. Even if I don’t talk to certain people I have grown close to after this trip, I will always remember their words and our time spent together in the American West.

I'm really going to miss these people...

“Of course everyone goes crazy over such and such and such. We made ourselves a pillar, but we just used it as a crutch. We were certainly uncertain; at least I’m pretty sure I am. Well we didn’t need the water, but will just built that good-god dam. Oh and I know this of my self.” –Modest Mouse


Badlands National Park


Wall Drug, South Dakota


Mitchell Corn Palace

Day Nineteen

Rapid City, SD
Visit: Mount Rushmore National Memorial, Wind Cave National Park
Date: 05/30/2008

Today I awoke in Rapid City.
I took a shower at the Alex and noticed a bird sitting on a stoop.
I asked the bird “why do you fly?”
The bird said with a smile: “I fly because I can.”

The daylight of early morn broke the glass window and split my vision.
I don’t like looking at the sun, but it’s had not to stare.
The still damp skin behind my knees blotted my shorts after I finished washing.
Today was going to be a long day, hot day.

I walked the trails and felt the winds hollow breath.
I saw the men carved of stone and asked questions.
“Why don’t you come down?” I asked.
They did not respond.

I asked again “why don’t you come down?”
They still did not respond.
Finally I climbed to the top of the mountain and asked once more,
“Why don’t you come down?”

They did not need to respond.
Atop of their mountain home, the answer was clear.

The hills, lush with green trees.
The valleys, ripped with water.
The mountains, snow capped and majestic,
Make any man stop and take notice.

I returned to the Alex, enlightened and renewed.
I saw the bird perched on my window and he asked,
“Why do you climb?”
I responded with a smile, “Because I have to.”

“I had some covering up to do and I was hoping that she would help me do it. I’m sorry that sentence was very vague. It’s my luck they’ll misconstrue it. But I like it that way; yeah I like it that way. It was a great desert, it is a great desert.” -Limbeck


Mount Rushmore National Monument


Wildlife at Wind Cave National Park


Hotel Alex Johnson

Day Eighteen

Gardiner, MT to Rapid City, SD
Miles: 542
Pass: Billings, Buffalo, Sheridan, Sturgis
Visit: Little Bighorn National Monument, Devil's Tower National Monument
Date: 05/29/2008

Today we drove. Just like yesterday and the day before. We drove for miles and miles. I never really know where we are going until we get there. The long days have stripped my mind of any discrimination between place and time. My mind is flowing and body is lagging behind.

Today we are traveling to Rapid City, SD from Gardiner, MT. As I look out the window, as I occasionally do, I noticed the mountains and the skirted grass fields below. Montana is known as the "treasure" state and is recognized as the "big sky" country. However Montana holds no treasure other than that of human experience. People no longer seek fortunes of fame; instead hey seek a peaceful life.

Driving throughout Montana, I can see the snow-capped mountains, the deep valleys, and the rolling hills. Montana, though very dry, is an inspiring state. Its natural beauty is only matched by its people unwavering appreciation for the environment. The mountains, blanketed in a quilt of snow, represent time and it's ever changing nature. Though mountains seem to be eternal, they are under constant change. This change may be small, but even these eternal monoliths are enslaved to the environment.

I know I have said it before, but I have grown to loathe driving. I cannot stand sitting in this van any longer. I don't mind traveling, but after 6,000 miles, it begins to wear on your nerves. The only thing I have to look forward to are the calculated stops made by Dr. Laythe and the work I still have left to do. Granted, the time left on this journey is fleeting, but I still have much reading and writing to accomplish.

This morning we departed Gardiner at 8:00am. The air was fresh and cool and the mountain landscape offered me something to focus on, before we left our hotel. It seems as though my backpack has grown much heavier over the past few weeks. Perhaps I am getting weak, or I have bought too many souvenirs.

Nevertheless I threw my "one metric ton" bag into the back of the van and watched the rear shocks give out. Okay, so it wasn't that heavy, but I did feel as though my arms were going to break off after hauling it to the van. After a few minutes on the road in Dr. Laythe’s van, the troublesome van two, we stopped at an Albertsons grocery store to refill our lunch bins. This would be the last time on the trip we would have to fill the bins.

On the road, I realize many different things. I notice that everything is becoming a routine. Drive, visit, drive, eat, drive, sleep. I don't realize what day it is anymore, nor what time it is. The simple and unnoticeable tasks I used to do are now becoming blatant and complicated. Everything we have done during this expedition, has felt like one giant day trip. I no longer recognized the breaks in time nor the differing dates. However who needs a calendar anyway? Wouldn’t it be better to live life in a time free world? Perhaps...

On this trip however, there is no unscheduled time. Everyday, Dr. Laythe has his own agenda and he tries to keep up with his stringent time schedule. Today we drove to the Little Bighorn National Monument. We entered the monument around 11:54am and soon embarked on a driving tour of the monument’s battlefields. This site offered visitors an accurate recreation of the battlefield movements and strategies used by Lt. Cornel George Custer and the Indians that occupied the area.

On June 25, 1876 the US government ordered George Custer and his men to strike an Indian settlement of 7,000. Custer’s force, only 260 men strong, paled in comparison to the 1,500 to 2,000 Lakota and Cheyenne warriors at the settlement. Needless to say the US forces were decimated by the skilled Indian warriors.

The purpose for this battle seems dumbfounded today. The US government, in an effort to pacify the Indians, viewed any Indian tribes that join together as a hostile threat to the United States. The government also sought to remove many Indians from their native lands in order to deter trade route thievery. Though many of the reasons mentioned by the US had no factual foundation, they still set out to fix the "Indian problem."

Custer made many mistakes when he tried to over take the Indians at Little Bighorn. Because of his overzealous attitude and underestimation of the Indians strong will, Custer lost his life during this battle and the attack failed miserably.

Because of this battle, the United States Government tightened their chokehold on the Indian tribes and further constricted movement of nomadic Indian tribes of the northwest. Many battles between the US and the now scattered Indian tribes would continue, until they were finally repressed to the point of "domestication."

The way I look at it, the United States treated the Native American tribes of the west and east like disobedient children and pests. Events such as Little Bighorn anger me and make me despise the actions taken by our early government. Today, the super ethnocentrism of America still butts its head even at the Little Bighorn site.
Despite the fact the US army lost this battle, the oppressor Lt. Cornel, George Custer is regarded as a fallen US war hero. Only recently has the site begun to recognize the Indian warriors who lost their lives during the conflict. These Indian warriors who fought oppression and sought to secure freedom. The very foundation of the American constitution is based on the fight against oppression and the pursuit of freedom. George Custer is no war hero; he is a murderer and a saboteur of the Native American culture.

Our small caravan traveled down into Wyoming after visiting the Little Bighorn National Memorial. The land here is very different than the western portion of Montana. Wyoming is large. The state seems to go on forever and ever. The mountains are small and the land offers a plethora of tans, greens and browns. The visibility also gives travelers a wonderful opportunity to view storms rolling in for up to 20 miles away.

Peering out my window I was startled by Mary sitting in the front, after she spotted a strange cloud formation. The formation turned out to be a funnel cloud. I was quite amazed by the sight and I could feel my pulse beginning to race. It was when the not too distant funnel cloud touched the grassy Wyoming surface that I became very worried. Now my heart was pumping louder than a charging locomotive. Rain began to pour down and the sky turned black. Dr. Laythe began to grip the wheel tight as we drove into the storm. Not knowing what to do we kept moving through the harsh weather.

Thankfully after 15 minutes of uneasy driving, the weather began to break and we no longer saw the tornado cell. For that 15 minutes, I felt scared, excited, and awestruck all at once. The rest of our ride we watched the skies and kept a close eye on the horizon. We did not want to have another run in with a tornado.

Moving north, we set our sights on Devils Tower National Monument. You may remember this geological structure from its cameo in the Steven Spielberg movie: Close Encounters of the 3rd kind. Approaching the tower, the dark Wyoming sky created an ominous backdrop for visitors. Luckily it had stopped raining by the time we entered the site and we were able to stay dry while we visited the park.

After a few photos and a quick hike, we returned to our vans and prepared for the 100-mile drive to Rapid City, South Dakota. On our way out of Wyoming Mother Nature showed us that she was not done flexing her muscles. Around 6:28pm we were hit with another thunderstorm. This storm differed from the first because we did not see any tornado cells, but what it lacked visually, it replaced with its intensity. Hail began to smack the van and at one point the strong winds pushed us almost off the road.

Dr. Laythe, between bouts of uncertainty and apprehension, forged ahead and clenched the wheel harder than before. I'm almost positive that he left permanent impressions on the wheel from his white-knuckled fists.

After braving the storm, we finally made it to South Dakota at 6:38pm. The land here, similar to Wyoming, is very green and heavily farmed. Due to the temperamental weather and our cautious drive, we entered Rapid City later than scheduled. Around 7:33pm we unloaded our vans and settled into our rooms at the Historic Alex Johnson Hotel. Apparently, room 804, the room I would be staying in that night was very haunted. I’ve never seen a ghost before, nor do I really think I will. However if this place is haunted, it will be interesting to see if something happens.

I am rooming with Steve for the next two nights and if anyone were to see a ghost, it would be him. Steve is a ghost hunter and has a strange connection with the supernatural. Perhaps I should be scared or something, but if ghosts were real, then I would have seen one by now. Right?

After we settled in our rooms, Kara, Steve, Lindsay, Mary and I went to the Firehouse Brewing Company bar and grill for dinner. The restaurant was a remodeled fire hall and supported a brewery on the second floor. The food was great and the beer was even better. I sipped on a Barely Blonde Ale and after we finished eating we went to the outdoor area and watched a fabulous local blues rock band. Though the band was very good we were not able to stay for the entire set. We all had a lot of work to complete before tomorrow and I had to prepare for my book presentation.

I’m not going to lie; I could be more prepared for my presentation. I read the book fast and I did not pick up as much information as I wanted to. However I feel I know enough information to give a good description about my book and the motivations of the author.

Hmmm...

I guess I miss the regularity of home. I have sworn in the past I will never settle down nor will I grow to be "comfortable." I still believe this of myself, but I need some regularity.

These journals are my only outlet right now. I’m locked in a van for upward of eight hours a day and I don't have a phone. The solace I find writing has become almost addictive. Yet, just like my music I am very uneasy about the quality of my work. I don't believe that I am good at this, nor do I believe I am good at performing music. Perhaps it is due to my apprehension toward criticism. Think about, if someone doesn’t like your work, they are not only criticizing you, but your personal thoughts as well.

It is because my poor self-confidence, that I removed the blog posts. I feel I can stand behind everything I have said, but I do not feel like others liked my work. Its very hard putting yourself out there and hearing what people have to say. I’d rather just opt out. However I can't do that all of my life.

I ain't gonna do it anymore. I ain't gonna sit the way they want, I ain't gonna work the way they want anymore. I ain't gonna bite my tongue. I'm gonna do what I want. I don't care what they think. I am in this for me. Only me. Call me selfish, but that is why I came. I'm going to still listen to others and hear out their advice, but I am going to stop condemning myself before I even act.

Afterthoughts:

It’s a hard thing to do, tell yourself to stop acting a certain way, when you have been doing it all your life. You know your wrong, but you simply can’t stop. I tell myself to stop caring about others and focus on myself. However my old ways are easier to deal with than change. I feel trapped in my head and I don' t have the key. I hope time will take these feelings away...

"Diamonds they fade, flowers they bloom and I’m telling you; These feelings won't go away, they've been knocking me sideways." -Citizen Cope


Little Bighorn National Monument


Devil's Tower National Monument


Firehouse Brewing Co.

Day Seventeen

Bozeman, MT to Gardiner, MT
Miles: 90
Visit: Yellowstone National Park
Date: 05/28/2008

“Would you rather dip your hand in a Yellowstone hot spring? Or drink a Dixie cup of radioactive water?"

Hmmm... Tough question, I know. This was the "death is not an option" question that weaved through the members of our group during our trip to Yellowstone National Park. I naturally chose to drink the radioactive water. I like having both hands. Can't help it.

Our group woke up early and we drove to Yellowstone around 8:00am. We packed all of our gear into the vans, because that night we would be staying in the town of Gardiner, just outside of Yellowstone. The ride went relatively fast and once we got to the park we were greeted with a terrific sight. Bisons!

That’s right the road was full of Bison. The mighty beasts, with a shaggy patchwork of fur and dirt, moseyed along the road holding up traffic for about a mile. Our van was trailing the group of seven Bison. Though this was a cool sight, I was a little apprehensive about discouraging the beasts with our presence. Granted, we are in a 2,000-pound van, but the bison could still strip the van of its sheet metal and put a hefty dent in the side panels.

After following the herd for roughly 35 minutes, we continued our tour of Yellowstone. Entering the Mammoth Hot Springs village, we were surprised by a pack of elk. At first it was difficult to identify what the four-legged "layman-like" animals were, but after further study, we concluded they were elk without their antlers. The elk, seemingly harmless, wandered around Town Square and appeared to own more of the land than the actual residents.

We made our way to the mammoth hot spring and examined the large snowy steps of sentiment. The steps, formed by decades of geothermal activity, emitted a strange sulfur smell. The smell, similar to rotting eggs, proved bearable and after viewing the area in great detail, we returned to our vans and headed south.
The Norris Geyser Basin was our next stop. This area, though very beautiful and rich in color, offered a horrible smell. Far worse than the smell at mammoth spring, this stench was completely horrendous. After about an hour of viewing different geysers and hot water springs, we finally were out of the area. Don’t get me wrong, I love the site, but the smell almost killed me.

Our last stop in Yellowstone was a very historic location. Old Faithful Geyser is the most famous and recognizable geyser on the planet. With water spewing out upwards at 200 degrees Fahrenheit, it is a truly natural phenomenon. Witnessing this dazzling column of water shoot out of the ground with increasing force, I was amazed at how many people were watching as well. Events like this that draw such large audiences, secures my faith in humanity. Just as old faithful has stayed on time for hundreds of years, humans with remain faithful to the environment and will continue to appreciate the earth’s beauty throughout time.

Yellowstone national park is an awesome sight. The wildlife is plentiful and the nature remains pristine. My previous concerns about national parks and historic sites becoming tourist destinations have all been wiped clean after today’s visit. I understand now that the majority of people visiting this site have an appreciation for the outdoors and would never hurt our environment. I also know now that the purpose of a site like Yellowstone is to educate the public about the beauty and fragility of our earth. It is incredibly humbling to see park ranger’s work hard to present good information and research to a sometimes-ungrateful public.

Hopefully I can come back to Yellowstone and explore its vast wilderness more extensively. Though we did see a great deal of the park, we barely scratched the surface. Yellowstone has much more to discover and much that the public does not see.

After a long muggy, cold, and wet day walking around Yellowstone, we piled in the van and returned to our best western hotel. Though the majority of Yellowstone is in Wyoming, our hotel was located in Gardiner, Montana. Gardiner is a small town just off the Wyoming border and like many places in the west; it is hard to discern were the actual boundary is located.

The town offered us little to do other than roam around its faux cowboy western shops and search for a food source. Kara, Steve and I left the group early and found a small pizza shop across the street called: "Outlaw's Pizza." A major reason why we wanted to split off from the group was primarily due to the billing situation. Throughout the west many restraints refuse to split checks, this not only creates a tabulation nightmare, but also frustrates our groups. Most college students don’t carry cash.

The pizza police was good, but the strange thing about the restaurant was the amount of French employees. All the waitresses were French and none spoke English well. Granted Americans do not speak English well, but these girls were very bad. Kara and I joked with Steve that he was going to get the "special" desert and would get to see the "down stairs" restaurant.

Joking aside, the restaurant employees treated us well and we eat for a relatively small price. After dinner we walked around the town of Gardiner for a little while and observed the local scenery. The town is weird. Almost like a ghost town, the area has very little commerce other than the steady stream of tourists coming to Yellowstone.

After a long day of exploring and walking around Yellowstone, I was ready for sleep. I nuzzled up in my Best Western bed and slipped into a deep sleep.

Afterthoughts:

Though Dr. Laythe and I disagreed on the drive from Seattle to Issaquah, we are better now. I apologized, just as I always do, and he quickly accepted my apology. He also mentioned that he felt bad about the entire situation and explained what was going through his head during the break fiasco. I like Dr. Laythe and I am glad we are still "kosher."

Carrie on the other hand, is still not talking to me. I’m not sure if I should approach her about the issue or if I should let this argument slide under the rug. I personally do not care what happens. Carrie and I are not very good friends anyway and if she prefers acting like a child, than that is how I will treat her. I may sound harsh, but hell I was hurt too. Maybe I’ll reconsider… I usually do.


Entering Yellowstone National Park


"Corps of Discovery" slain by the Norris Geyser Basin!


Old Faithful Geyser

Day Sixteen

Issaquah, WA to Bozeman, MT
Miles: 663
Pass: Spokane, Missoula, Butte
Visit: 50,000 Silver Dollar Bar and Gift Shop, Testicle Festival
Date: 5/27/2008

Sitting in the cool still air of van three, the light emitting from computers screens light up the gray fabric ceiling. This is the second time we have driven into the night and the first time we have driven to Bozeman, Montana. Yesterday we were supposed to stay overnight in Spokane, WA, but due to automotive problems we had to spend the night in Issaquah, WA.

Issaquah is a town just outside of Seattle. The town, though small, sits in a very beautiful mountainous region. The area is highlighted by lake Sammamish, a lake recognized by water-ski magazine as one of the best waterskiing locations in the United States. We were able to see most of this little town during our unexpected stop yesterday. Today we are driving double the length we would have in order to stay on our strict schedule.

The road at night offers a different world than that of the day. The Montana sky, so open, so vast, it sucks up the light and makes the horizon appear bleak and never ending. Our three vehicles, traveling in almost unison, forge through the dark night and seek out our final location. Home.

Like trained hounds, our caravan follows the scent of the east coast. The wheels, well worn, keep moving, keep inching forward, trying to bring us back to where we belong. In the cold Montana night we travel not as tourist, nor are we passer bys, but rather strangers. We don't belong out here, we don' t belong anywhere.

The soft glow of the dashboard and the flickering digital clock, appear weak with power. Perhaps our strong carriages that have brought us over 5,000 miles are feeling the strain just as we are. Sitting at my computer, I can finally think clearly. Yesterday was an awful day and I'm not sure exactly what I did wrong. I came on this trip to change myself and I am finally doing just that, but at what cost?

I never understood why people are so hard on themselves. I just never got it. I've seen too many good people write themselves off as "assholes" or "unlikable." Why are we all so different, but all the same? Why can't everyone just cry? Why can't everyone just bleed? Why do we all have to act so god damn strong all the time?

I don't want the burden of my gender to dictate my actions or my attitude. I'm a man, but I’m also Andy. I'm not some person that needs to do manly things or protect honor, just to feel good about myself. I'm simply me.

I feel bad about the things I have said about others on this trip. I should have considered the fact that the "characters" I had written about may have gotten upset by my words. I'm not an author and I'm not a writer. I cannot get away with saying whatever I want about people. I guess that it is the curse of writing. You can't say how you feel without someone finding it offensive or slanderous.

I'm not going to lie and say everything I have written on this trip was a fabrication. More than 99% of everything I have said is true and every feeling I have felt has been rooted deep within my being. However if I am hurting people with my opinions and my personal thoughts, than I have to take them off the Internet.

Maybe it was a bad idea from the start. Dr. Laythe did say: "what happens in the west stays in the west." I agree with him, but the purpose of my writing was to share the beauty and personal impact this trip has had on me with everyone. To deny myself the right to talk about the experiences with my fellow trip mates would be depriving myself and my readers vital information.

Again, I didn't want to hurt anyone. I've been on this earth a long time, maybe not 400 years, but I've felt the sting of criticism and I've suffered the bitter pain of false assumptions just as everyone else has. I guess that’s why I am taking my posts off the Internet. They said the pen is mightier than the sword and I think they were right.

I'll say it again; I'm not a writer. I'm just some kid trying to find himself. I don't know why anyone even read what I have written anyway. I guess I’ll take it as a compliment. I know I was harsh at times and I know I may have mislabeled some people, but I will not change what I have written. I cannot recreate the emotions and thoughts that were going through my mind when I first pressed the keys. I meant everything I said.

Maybe I should have just kept it to myself.

Its safe to say I will not be making the mistake of placing my personal feelings about others on the net again. Frankly I don't want the people on this trip to misconstrue my words and think I am attacking them.

My only hope is that despite the bad things that everyone noticed with my writings they noticed the good as well. The nice things I said about others, the amazing experiences we all shared, even my silly observational comedy. I poured my whole self into this journal, I didn’t' think it would come back and hurt me the way it has.

I don't feel liked, wanted or needed on this trip anymore. Most of the people I once thought liked me, now turn their heads and disregard my presence. I'm not trying to sound dramatic, but this is just how I feel. I wanted to make new, long lasting friendships, but the only thing I have done is segregated myself from the rest of the group.

I do not want my work to be picked apart, nor do I want to be remembered for tearing people down. Author, Wallace Stegner wrote about many characters heading west in search of some "Big Rock Candy Mountain." Stegner built stories and plots rather than ripping them apart. I want to build upon this experience and bring people and ideas together. I wanted to find something out here. Maybe I have, but I’m not sure yet.

The journey of life presents us with twists and turns and many obstacles to overcome. I'm not going to lie and say that anyone can overcome all of life’s challenges if they simply work hard. Working hard can only get you so far. When a person cannot overcome a challenge, they must learn to bend and slide around the obstacle. I need to learn how to bend.

I don’t know what my "Big Rock Candy Mountain" will be, nor do I know if I will ever find it. However you can expect more from this kid trying to find himself. There will be more…

"One evening as the sun went down and the jungle fires were burning, down the track came a hobo hiking and he said, "Boys, I'm not turning. I'm headed for a land that's far away besides the crystal fountains. So come with me, we'll go and see The Big Rock Candy Mountains." -Harry McClintock

Afterthoughts:

Late night in Bozeman, we moved quickly into our hotel room in order to fight off the frosty bite of the Montana air. Inside of our Best Western hotel, we learned that it was snowing in Yellowstone National Park. Tomorrow we will be going to this site and hopefully we will not freeze.

I mentioned before that my brain feels as though it has begun to liquefy. I can honestly say that it is beginning to run out my ears and it soaking up my socks. I'm tired of spending every night in a different hotel room. I’m tired of seeing the American West through a glass window. I'm tired of this "grand tour." Perhaps I just need more sleep or maybe I just need to settle down.

Again, I'm sorry about my previous posts. I did not take the older posts down because of one person or one individual reason. I took them down because of a variety of reasons and issues concerning people I have mentioned. I'm sorry if I hurt anyone.

"I've been up for days, trying to find a way to write my confession down. Seems every line I writes amiss, at least this I'll admit. I never hear that perfect sound. But then the judge walks and says: ‘Boy you can’t pretend, you've got to be honest now.’" –City and Colour

By the way, the "50,000 Silver Dollar Bar and Gift Shop" and the "Testicle Festival" listed at the beginning of this entry are two locations we visited today. Understandably, they were not historical by any stretch, but they did offer us a rather interesting break during our long 10-hour drive.

The 50,000 Silver Dollar Bar and Gift Shop is located in the middle of Montana and is known for it’s large collection of silver dollars lining the bar area. The gift shop is also known for it’s large assortment of "jackalope" memorabilia.

The Testicle Festival, like the Silver Dollar Bar, is located in the middle of Montana as well and is known for it’s "Rocky Mountain Oysters" or bull testicles. The restaurant serves the alternative fried treat and once a year they have oyster-eating competitions. Unfortunately I did not sample any rocky mountain oysters during our brief visit. Maybe next time…


The Columbia River


50,000 Silver Dollar Bar and Gift Shop


Testicle Festival

Day Fifteen

Seattle, WA to Issaquah, WA
Miles: 16
Pass: Roanoke, Mercer Island
Visit: Lake Sammamish State Park
Date: 5/26/2008


Lake Sammamish, Issaquah, WA


"Van Three"


Kara studying for our daily "road side" quizzes

Day Fourteen

Seattle, WA
Visit: Pike Place Public Market, Space Needle, Experience Music Project
Date: 5/25/2008


Best car wash in Seattle!


Pike Place Public Market


The Space Needle

Day Thirteen

Seaside, OR to Seattle, WA
Miles: 191
Pass: Portland, Tacoma, Centralia, Olympia
Visit: Mount St. Helens National Volcanic Monument
Date: 5/24/2008


Mount St. Helens


Kauffman and Miller's: "Corps of Discovery"


Bambino's East Coast Pizzeria

Day Twelve

Seaside, OR
Visit: Astoria, Cannon Beach, Louis and Clark National Historical Park
Date: 5/23/2008


Seaside, Oregon


Fort Clatsop


Steve, Kara and I at Cannon Beach

Day Eleven

Pendleton, OR to Seaside, OR
Miles: 288
Pass: Portland
Visit: Multnomah Falls, Powell's City of Books
Date: 5/22/2008


Multnomah Falls


Powell's City of Books


The Oregon Coast

Day Ten

Boise, ID to Pendleton, OR
Miles: 222
Pass: Walla Walla
Visit: Oregon Trail Interpretive Center, Whitman Mission National Historic Site, Pendleton Underground Tours
Date: 5/21/2008


Whitman Mission National Historic Site


Saddle work by Duff Severe


Pendleton Underground Tours

Day Nine

Page, AZ to Boise, ID
Miles: 712
Pass: Salt Lake City
Visit: Zion National Park, Cove Fort Historic Site
Date: 5/20/2008


Zion National Park


Zion National Park


Cove Fort Historic Site

Day Eight

Page, AZ
Visit: Grand Canyon National Park
Date: 5/19/2008


Grand Canyon National Park


Grand Canyon National Park


Grand Canyon National Park

Day Seven

Santa Fe, NM to Page, AZ
Miles: 435 (with an estimated 10,000 mile detour)
Pass: Farmington, Shiprock, Gallup
Visit: Aztec Ruins National Monument
Date: 5/18/2008


Aztec Ruins National Monument


Aztec Ruins National Monument


Rest area in northwest New Mexico

Day Six

Santa Fe, NM
Visit: Bandelier National Monument / Tsankawi
Date: 5/17/2008


Dr. Laythe


Bandelier National Monument


San Miguel Chapel

Day Five

Amarillo, TX to Santa Fe, NM
Miles: 281
Pass: Los Vegas, NM
Visit: Pecos National Historical Park
Date: 5/16/2008



Stanley Marsh's “Cadillac Ranch"


My postcard to Travis Mook



Pecos National Historical Park

Day Four

Tulsa, OK to Amarillo, TX
Miles: 367
Pass: Oklahoma City
Visit: Oklahoma City National Memorial & Museum, Washita Battlefield National Historic Site, Big Texan Steak Ranch & Motel
Date: 5/15/2008

Oklahoma City National Memorial & Museum


Washita Battlefield National Historic Site

Big Texan Steak Ranch & Motel

Big Texan String Band