Miles: 663
Pass: Spokane, Missoula, Butte
Visit: 50,000 Silver Dollar Bar and Gift Shop, Testicle Festival
Date: 5/27/2008
Sitting in the cool still air of van three, the light emitting from computers screens light up the gray fabric ceiling. This is the second time we have driven into the night and the first time we have driven to Bozeman, Montana. Yesterday we were supposed to stay overnight in Spokane, WA, but due to automotive problems we had to spend the night in Issaquah, WA.
Issaquah is a town just outside of Seattle. The town, though small, sits in a very beautiful mountainous region. The area is highlighted by lake Sammamish, a lake recognized by water-ski magazine as one of the best waterskiing locations in the United States. We were able to see most of this little town during our unexpected stop yesterday. Today we are driving double the length we would have in order to stay on our strict schedule.
The road at night offers a different world than that of the day. The Montana sky, so open, so vast, it sucks up the light and makes the horizon appear bleak and never ending. Our three vehicles, traveling in almost unison, forge through the dark night and seek out our final location. Home.
Like trained hounds, our caravan follows the scent of the east coast. The wheels, well worn, keep moving, keep inching forward, trying to bring us back to where we belong. In the cold Montana night we travel not as tourist, nor are we passer bys, but rather strangers. We don't belong out here, we don' t belong anywhere.
The soft glow of the dashboard and the flickering digital clock, appear weak with power. Perhaps our strong carriages that have brought us over 5,000 miles are feeling the strain just as we are. Sitting at my computer, I can finally think clearly. Yesterday was an awful day and I'm not sure exactly what I did wrong. I came on this trip to change myself and I am finally doing just that, but at what cost?
I never understood why people are so hard on themselves. I just never got it. I've seen too many good people write themselves off as "assholes" or "unlikable." Why are we all so different, but all the same? Why can't everyone just cry? Why can't everyone just bleed? Why do we all have to act so god damn strong all the time?
I don't want the burden of my gender to dictate my actions or my attitude. I'm a man, but I’m also Andy. I'm not some person that needs to do manly things or protect honor, just to feel good about myself. I'm simply me.
I feel bad about the things I have said about others on this trip. I should have considered the fact that the "characters" I had written about may have gotten upset by my words. I'm not an author and I'm not a writer. I cannot get away with saying whatever I want about people. I guess that it is the curse of writing. You can't say how you feel without someone finding it offensive or slanderous.
I'm not going to lie and say everything I have written on this trip was a fabrication. More than 99% of everything I have said is true and every feeling I have felt has been rooted deep within my being. However if I am hurting people with my opinions and my personal thoughts, than I have to take them off the Internet.
Maybe it was a bad idea from the start. Dr. Laythe did say: "what happens in the west stays in the west." I agree with him, but the purpose of my writing was to share the beauty and personal impact this trip has had on me with everyone. To deny myself the right to talk about the experiences with my fellow trip mates would be depriving myself and my readers vital information.
Again, I didn't want to hurt anyone. I've been on this earth a long time, maybe not 400 years, but I've felt the sting of criticism and I've suffered the bitter pain of false assumptions just as everyone else has. I guess that’s why I am taking my posts off the Internet. They said the pen is mightier than the sword and I think they were right.
I'll say it again; I'm not a writer. I'm just some kid trying to find himself. I don't know why anyone even read what I have written anyway. I guess I’ll take it as a compliment. I know I was harsh at times and I know I may have mislabeled some people, but I will not change what I have written. I cannot recreate the emotions and thoughts that were going through my mind when I first pressed the keys. I meant everything I said.
Maybe I should have just kept it to myself.
Its safe to say I will not be making the mistake of placing my personal feelings about others on the net again. Frankly I don't want the people on this trip to misconstrue my words and think I am attacking them.
My only hope is that despite the bad things that everyone noticed with my writings they noticed the good as well. The nice things I said about others, the amazing experiences we all shared, even my silly observational comedy. I poured my whole self into this journal, I didn’t' think it would come back and hurt me the way it has.
I don't feel liked, wanted or needed on this trip anymore. Most of the people I once thought liked me, now turn their heads and disregard my presence. I'm not trying to sound dramatic, but this is just how I feel. I wanted to make new, long lasting friendships, but the only thing I have done is segregated myself from the rest of the group.
I do not want my work to be picked apart, nor do I want to be remembered for tearing people down. Author, Wallace Stegner wrote about many characters heading west in search of some "Big Rock Candy Mountain." Stegner built stories and plots rather than ripping them apart. I want to build upon this experience and bring people and ideas together. I wanted to find something out here. Maybe I have, but I’m not sure yet.
The journey of life presents us with twists and turns and many obstacles to overcome. I'm not going to lie and say that anyone can overcome all of life’s challenges if they simply work hard. Working hard can only get you so far. When a person cannot overcome a challenge, they must learn to bend and slide around the obstacle. I need to learn how to bend.
I don’t know what my "Big Rock Candy Mountain" will be, nor do I know if I will ever find it. However you can expect more from this kid trying to find himself. There will be more…
"One evening as the sun went down and the jungle fires were burning, down the track came a hobo hiking and he said, "Boys, I'm not turning. I'm headed for a land that's far away besides the crystal fountains. So come with me, we'll go and see The Big Rock Candy Mountains." -Harry McClintock
Afterthoughts:
Late night in Bozeman, we moved quickly into our hotel room in order to fight off the frosty bite of the Montana air. Inside of our Best Western hotel, we learned that it was snowing in Yellowstone National Park. Tomorrow we will be going to this site and hopefully we will not freeze.
I mentioned before that my brain feels as though it has begun to liquefy. I can honestly say that it is beginning to run out my ears and it soaking up my socks. I'm tired of spending every night in a different hotel room. I’m tired of seeing the American West through a glass window. I'm tired of this "grand tour." Perhaps I just need more sleep or maybe I just need to settle down.
Again, I'm sorry about my previous posts. I did not take the older posts down because of one person or one individual reason. I took them down because of a variety of reasons and issues concerning people I have mentioned. I'm sorry if I hurt anyone.
"I've been up for days, trying to find a way to write my confession down. Seems every line I writes amiss, at least this I'll admit. I never hear that perfect sound. But then the judge walks and says: ‘Boy you can’t pretend, you've got to be honest now.’" –City and Colour
By the way, the "50,000 Silver Dollar Bar and Gift Shop" and the "Testicle Festival" listed at the beginning of this entry are two locations we visited today. Understandably, they were not historical by any stretch, but they did offer us a rather interesting break during our long 10-hour drive.
The 50,000 Silver Dollar Bar and Gift Shop is located in the middle of Montana and is known for it’s large collection of silver dollars lining the bar area. The gift shop is also known for it’s large assortment of "jackalope" memorabilia.
The Testicle Festival, like the Silver Dollar Bar, is located in the middle of Montana as well and is known for it’s "Rocky Mountain Oysters" or bull testicles. The restaurant serves the alternative fried treat and once a year they have oyster-eating competitions. Unfortunately I did not sample any rocky mountain oysters during our brief visit. Maybe next time…
The Columbia River
50,000 Silver Dollar Bar and Gift Shop
Testicle Festival
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